tumblinas.

Nowhere

It’s laughable.  I went to dinner with my ex tonight.  We’ve been wearing our friends’ hats for quite some time and it works for us.  I’ve moved on and I love my boyfriend.  Still, it was like being slapped in the face when I heard ‘my girlfriend’ come out of his mouth.  I think I did a good job of appearing uneffected.  Except, wanting to appear uneffected probably made me look effected.  Ay yi yi.  

What’s the deal?  And then I thought, why was it her and not me?  The crazy part is, my next thought was, I wonder if he felt like this when he first heard me talk about my boyfriend?  The thought never occurred to me then.

The ex situation isn’t so black and white after all.  

Maybe you can’t be friends with an ex.    Listening to him talk about her made me feel like I had to pretend we never were.  Like in order for us to be friends, we had to start from the end of our relationship, which is no place at all.    

Why can’t this end?

It’s 5am and I can’t sleep, I’m crying again and I feel lost and weak.

I found his telephone bill, its my account.

The night we broke up, he’d been with her.

Drunk, he’d called me to pick him from up from to bring him *home*

And since that day, he’s lied about them,  not having the decency

to show me his true face

even now, when he’s walked away.

And

I’m no good now.

I cant cope,

I just

keep

breaking

not

healing

I just

want to feel

loved

Crossing bridges

Yesterday. He turned up at the door.

He looked the same but different, not my Gareth,

he reminded me of another time, when I loved him.

I’m different too.

Old beguiled me would have been happy to see him standing there

Old stupid me would have reached out and pulled him close

planting kisses and smiles on his body.

But I’m different now.

Yesterday I  opened the door and

resented him being in my space

demanding, and arrogant expecting me to be plyable

a thing to manipulate.

He left enraged - I wouldnt do as I was told.

I closed the door and set another bridge on fire.

Things we never listen to.

But

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today, finding out the things my family would never tell me

Things I  wouldnt have listened to.

And I remembered a conversation between his ex girlfriend and I. She admitted she had left him because she had

known they wouldnt have worked, her parents. friends and family hadn’t liked him.

I was at the honeymoon stage, through rose tinted glasses I had bristled with anger, thinking her silly and immature.

I had defended him protected him and never repeated her words, so fragile his ego it would have hurt him to know that truth.

Six years later

I wonder how I didn’t hear what she had said.

Not waiting to exhale…

Its been 15 days since he left, I only know this because I had to stop and count them.

I thought it had been longer.

I haven’t been counting the days, or missing him (all the time)

I’m not heartbroken, or devasted or pining away waiting for him to come back.

I’ve been waking up, becoming stronger, lighting bridges and watching them burn.

Growing, and glowing, smiling, and happier, enjoying me without him. 

Not suspicious, aprehensive, insecure or moody.

Just me without him and all that shit he boxed me in with.

Just me,

me again,

old me,

Not waiting to exhale

day5

I’m not ok.

I’m not anything.

I want to stop feeling.

I want to stop thinking.

I want to stop remembering.

I want to stop missing him.

I want to just stop.

Today I made it to 12.55

I want to stop crying.

day4

I was doing OK.

Really, I was doing a little bit fine.

I was beginning to grow into the space that was left.

becoming acustomed to the weight of the hurt.

I  was still missing Us, still feeling abandoned and lost

but no tears today,

I was doing OK.

The text came, I saw it at 4.30.

a handful between us, I don’t want to see him, I will sort out moving the car, his stuff

I told him to leave me alone.

I don’t want to set eyes on him ever again.

I was doing OK.

Then he pulled me under

He had screwed up, probably made the biggest mistake of his life.

Probably?

I didn’t reply.

I want to be OK