tumblinas.

If it’s ever right, there won’t be any guess work.  You’ll just know.  I hope.  Sometimes,  I’m terrified of being one of those people that talk themselves out of what could have been a defining moment..

Three months ago, I never thought I’d run into you.  And then we are talking on the phone and replaying the last time we saw each other.  And then a few days go by and not a word.

I’d just given us the code blue.  I thought, ‘well hell! Just how long am I going to fuck around in what-if?

And then you called.  Your phone was broken, like no display and wouldn’t even charge.  You let it get disconnected and just got a new phone. You called to let me know.  You missed me. When are you going to see me again? I need to come back to your side of the world?  Why didn’t I call?

I did….. once or twice. I think I may have left a message.

Why didn’t I try to call again?

(Well, it wasn’t because I deleted your phone number, so I wouldn’t call you again because I thought you were ignoring me/forgotten about me.)

Definitely wasn’t that.

Let’s not dwell on the past, k?

im thinking

i have figured out why my love life is so screwed up.

i haven’t been forwarding those stupid chain texts.

Only words, or why how to forget the guy is really no good for you anymore.

He has been away, a stag do with the guy’s. I feigned indifference to him not being here, but secretly I was happy and looked forward to the comfortable space his absence would create. I’m  tired of running between maybe and never.

But the distance has not  kept me out of  his grasp. He sends texts that are sweet and funny complete with declarations of love and signature kisses. My lost heart remembers that feeling of home, and I can’t help it, my soul sighs and embraces the sensation, I miss him, the him I fell in love, my hearts desire, he left everyone else as blurry blank imitations of my-perfect-for-me-guy. Grief punches me hard and confuses me. He calls when I don’t return his texts, his voice a sirens song, I cut the conversation short, hang up and begin to cry.