tumblinas.

Nowhere

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 02:23:00 -0400

It’s laughable. I went to dinner with my ex tonight. We’ve been wearing our friends’ hats for quite some time and it works for us. I’ve moved on and I love my boyfriend. Still, it was like being slapped in the face when I heard ‘my girlfriend’ come out of his mouth. I think I did a good job of appearing uneffected. Except, wanting to appear uneffected probably made me look effected. Ay yi yi.

What’s the deal? And then I thought, why was it her and not me? The crazy part is, my next thought was, I wonder if he felt like this when he first heard me talk about my boyfriend? The thought never occurred to me then.

The ex situation isn’t so black and white after all.

Maybe you can’t be friends with an ex. Listening to him talk about her made me feel like I had to pretend we never were. Like in order for us to be friends, we had to start from the end of our relationship, which is no place at all.

Why can't this end?

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 09:43:00 -0400

It’s 5am and I can’t sleep, I’m crying again and I feel lost and weak.

I found his telephone bill, its my account.

The night we broke up, he’d been with her.

Drunk, he’d called me to pick him from up from to bring him *home*

And since that day, he’s lied about them, not having the decency

to show me his true face

even now, when he’s walked away.

And

I’m no good now.

I cant cope,

I just

keep

breaking

not

healing

I just

want to feel

loved

Crossing bridges

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:27:30 -0400

Yesterday. He turned up at the door.

He looked the same but different, not my Gareth,

he reminded me of another time, when I loved him.

I’m different too.

Old beguiled me would have been happy to see him standing there

Old stupid me would have reached out and pulled him close

planting kisses and smiles on his body.

But I’m different now.

Yesterday I opened the door and

resented him being in my space

demanding, and arrogant expecting me to be plyable

a thing to manipulate.

He left enraged - I wouldnt do as I was told.

I closed the door and set another bridge on fire.

Things we never listen to.

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 10:36:31 -0400

But

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today, finding out the things my family would never tell me

Things I wouldnt have listened to.

And I remembered a conversation between his ex girlfriend and I. She admitted she had left him because she had

known they wouldnt have worked, her parents. friends and family hadn’t liked him.

I was at the honeymoon stage, through rose tinted glasses I had bristled with anger, thinking her silly and immature.

I had defended him protected him and never repeated her words, so fragile his ego it would have hurt him to know that truth.

Six years later

I wonder how I didn’t hear what she had said.

Not waiting to exhale...

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 10:35:28 -0400

Its been 15 days since he left, I only know this because I had to stop and count them.

I thought it had been longer.

I haven’t been counting the days, or missing him (all the time)

I’m not heartbroken, or devasted or pining away waiting for him to come back.

I’ve been waking up, becoming stronger, lighting bridges and watching them burn.

Growing, and glowing, smiling, and happier, enjoying me without him.

Not suspicious, aprehensive, insecure or moody.

Just me without him and all that shit he boxed me in with.

Just me,

me again,

old me,

Not waiting to exhale

sayingimages: How To Cure Sadness

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 11:32:20 -0400

sayingimages:

How To Cure Sadness

day5

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 08:00:24 -0400

I’m not ok.

I’m not anything.

I want to stop feeling.

I want to stop thinking.

I want to stop remembering.

I want to stop missing him.

I want to just stop.

Today I made it to 12.55

I want to stop crying.

(via iheartyouso)

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:10:18 -0400

(via iheartyouso)

Saying Images | Images with Quotes

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:51:21 -0400

Saying Images | Images with Quotes

day4

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:29:36 -0400

I was doing OK.

Really, I was doing a little bit fine.

I was beginning to grow into the space that was left.

becoming acustomed to the weight of the hurt.

I was still missing Us, still feeling abandoned and lost

but no tears today,

I was doing OK.

The text came, I saw it at 4.30.

a handful between us, I don’t want to see him, I will sort out moving the car, his stuff

I told him to leave me alone.

I don’t want to set eyes on him ever again.

I was doing OK.

Then he pulled me under

He had screwed up, probably made the biggest mistake of his life.

Probably?

I didn’t reply.

I want to be OK

day3

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:33:11 -0400

And I hold back the tears till half past 3 when I’m driving home

and the realisation punches me hard - He’s left me.

The hurt is unbearable

I pine for 5 days ago when I could touch him, hold him and wrap myself

around him, I could love him naively, trusting that I would never be living my days

counting breathes that arent weighted down with tears.

I can’t see through the tears and have to pull over.

It’s 4.15 - two more hours till he doesn’t come home.

"My life has been one great big joke A dance that’s walked A song that’s spoke, I laugh..."

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 14:53:26 -0400

““My life has been one great big joke A dance that’s walked A song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke When I think about myself.””

- Maya Angelou

day2

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 01:58:54 -0400

First tears of the day at 05.55. I’m doing better, I’d been awake for 15 mins.

I was looking at the wall, at the pink fairy lights he had brought for me, and realised

I’d have to pack those too.

The room’s a shell, full of traces of him, of us, of smiles and love.

My love.

He cared.

He loved me like he loves his parents

Not like a girlfriend.

and I’m not precious enough to want to hold onto

But he’s very grateful.

I watch him leave faster than he had moved in

Still, none of that crushes that fucking seed of hope

that has taken root in the hole that he has left.

It’s 06.15. More tears.

I woke up crying this morning.

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 01:57:00 -0400

Last night he told me he didnt love me.

I was a wonderful woman and he was grateful for all I had done for him.

I was so happy to hear that it wasnt me, it was him, that this morning I woke up crying.

So now I’m standing watching him pack my memories of him into boxes,

he tells me he doesnt want me, need me or love me, he hasn’t fancied me for quite some time,

I feel stupid for not realising this, for thinking the intimacies we recently shared meant something more

not less.

And I wish I wasnt the punchline, to a joke he’d been mulling over,

I wish I hadn’t let him tell me that I wasn’t special enough to hold on to.

I wish I didnt see the laugh in his step as he packed his things in the car to leave.

I wish

I wasnt me.

http://ireadiwrite.tumblr.com

Sat, 29 May 2010 20:17:35 -0400

http://ireadiwrite.tumblr.com:

Musings on life and shit.

shhhhh!

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 14:32:09 -0500

shhhhh!

I don’t miss him. The ‘him’ never really existed. So, no I don’t miss...

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:20:20 -0500

I don’t miss him. The ‘him’ never really existed. So, no I don’t miss ‘him’.

He ruined it.

I’m happy we’re friends. I don’t see how it could ever be more, with the ending we had.

He just doesn’t look the same to me.

"I shut my eyes in order to see."

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 15:29:48 -0500

“I shut my eyes in order to see.”

- Paul Gauquin

Dalai Lama says:

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:53:16 -0500

Dalai Lama says:

Chance You Will Return To That Dream You Were Just Having...

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:11:34 -0400

Chance You Will Return To That Dream You Were Just Having « GraphJam: